My poem [ Last Breath ].....will you critique it please?

It is a very good poem. Condensed! I tried to compress some verses, but they would appear altered. I do not want this poem to miss your touch. I let it stay as it is. No more words on that. Bravo! Do not alter the last verse for sake of metre. It is of longing and causes a loneliness as it is shortened. Leave it there as it is! [Please offer the 5 to the lady after me! She deserves all the friendship of the world!]